There's a whale gently sliding in and out and rolling in the deep ocean. It matches the movements of the baby punching and turning gently inside my womb. The baby is a vibration. It's humming throughout my body. It's adding to my anxiety about the day.
There are tears sliding down my cheeks. Why am I crying? Why can't I stop them from falling? Perhaps that hurt in my head comes from my sinuses because of the tears! The hurt isn't coming from my heart, this I know. My heart is in love, this I know too. The tears represent the depth of feeling that is literally pouring out of me. Out of the depths of me.
There's a man standing next to me with his arm around me, his hand holding mine. He's making promises to me I know he will keep. I know he's sincere. He is an honest man. There's a quiver between us - a pulsing, a nervousness. There is love and passion. He is anxious too I expect. Later that night and for the first time he will feel the push and turn of the baby inside me and we will smile and giggle.
There's another man standing in front of me with his back to the ocean extracting these promises from the man holding my hand. He is of small stature and a bit heavy but with kind features and a steady gentle voice. He is not nervous. He's done this many times before and is happy to be here.....and to take our little bit of money and perhaps even a tip. He is a judge and he is helping us.
We are in Monterey, California staying at the Highlands Inn. It is 10:00 a.m. on a lovely day that dawned sunny and bright and pleasant. There's a slight breeze but it's not cold for this time of year. The month is March and the year is 1987. It is the third day of the month and my mother's birthday. It is the day I am marrying the man that is accepting my promises.
We haven't known each other a long time. We didn't grow up together or go to school together. Our families have never met. I've never met his mother. We consider ourselves black sheep. We both left the "flock"; my flock on the east coast and his in Scotland. We have traveled far to meet each other. We are in this together but with no family or friends present. Except of course for the little being that is kicking and squirming inside my belly.
This is not the first man I have loved but this is the first man I've truly been in love with. I still am in love.
We met in late 1985 at the real estate office we both worked for in Pleasanton; he a realtor-in-training and me an old hat going on a whopping 5 years in the business! I was successful enough in business and unhappily married to a very nice man. But this is not that story.
The buzz around the office was the new guy; "have you met him?" "he's cute" "he's from Scotland" "you have to meet him, the Scotsman" "I can't believe you haven't met him yet". Who were these people? Didn't they know I was married? Why did they insist on telling me about this guy? Did they know something I didn't know? Did they sense my unhappiness? Stop bugging me I thought. I'll meet him when I meet him. And I went about the business of selling real estate.
OUR COMPANY REAL ESTATE PICTURES
Shortly after our first not so interesting meeting in the lobby of our company, he, the Scotsman, became a distraction. His name is Gordon and when his real estate training was finished, he came to sit at a desk just outside my office. My office was on the inside of an aisle of offices and his desk was next to an exterior window right across from me. With me facing the window of my office he was my view. Do you believe God puts obstacles in your path? Well I don't know if God had anything to do with it but Gordon came into my view and through no fault of his own blocked everything else from sight. Just like I had blinders on my face. And something new began......a restless sort of tension not at all unpleasant.
It wasn't long before we had lunch, then dinner. This tall, blonde, younger man from "across the pond" was an only child. His father had passed away when he was fourteen from a freak accident. He had lived with his Mum, Isa, and her significant other, Jimmy, in a tourist hotel which Jimmy owned on Royal Circus in Edinburgh for a number of years but most recently with just his Mum outside the downtown of Edinburgh. A City boy. He was a good student but not particularly interested in school. Hmmmmm, same as me. He went on to higher education and graduated "top" boy in his school and "top" boy in Engineering for his country. Despite being told he couldn't do it. Despite his mother's noise in his head.
Most of the time I could barely understand him because his accent was so thick! Another interesting and appealing attribute for some strange reason. Maybe because I had to lean in to hear and understand him and the closeness was exciting. Or maybe because he smelled nice? He hadn't lived in California for more than just a year or so and we soon became inseparable. I enjoyed being a tour guide of sorts showing him the Bay Area; San Francisco, Napa, skiing in Tahoe, the mountains and beaches. Funny how they all look so different when you're in lust! We cooked together and talked real estate. I encouraged him and he encouraged me. We went to comedy shows and movies and ethnic restaurants. We watched I Love Lucy reruns and American football. We tossed the football. I was the one who showed him the proper grip of a football! We had picnics in the wine country and drinks with friends. We dressed up for Halloween!
I confess a very few of these outings were arranged before I had officially been separated (for the second time) from my then current husband. Most of the outings I refer to happened after. Innocent enough but with the underlying tension I mentioned earlier. There's a name for that tension (sexual) but because my children will read this I won't say it. Anyway, before I knew it I was moving from the house I had lived in since 1980 into my own condo. We moved there together Gordon and I. It happened so fast. That was Summer 1986.
By late that Fall I was pregnant. Now remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine examines potential suitors and qualifies them as "sponge-worthy"? Well here's a hot tip: the sponge? it doesn't work! Take it from me!
I was perfectly confident that I could handle myself and a baby on my own, after all I was becoming a more and more successful investment realtor. I owned my own home. I had a really nice newer car, a black BMW 633csi no less (affectionately known as "the black bitch" by my friends!). I was a partner in several rental properties. I had lots of friends who loved and supported me. And I didn't want Gordon to feel he had to marry me. But really, was I kidding myself? I had no idea how hard it would be to raise a kid with two parents much less one!
I told Gordon I was pregnant in late November. Honestly within the hour he was on the phone telling his Mum she was going to be a Grandmother! This is the woman I'd never met! But here's the thing about Gordon and I said it before; he's sincere and honest and a very moral man. I have found people from Scotland to be very black and white. If he hadn't wanted a child he would have said so. Getting pregnant before marriage is not traditional but apparently it didn't bother him. We are anything but conformists and traditionalists! We were in love and marriage was obviously the logical next step. He wanted me AND he wanted this child.
So there I was, March 3, 1987, feeling a little anxiety, watching a whale tossing in the Pacific Ocean, tears streaming down my face, carrying an infant in my body and marrying the man of my dreams. All at the same time. Two wishes come true.
And we are living happily every after......or at least up to this date over 24 years later!
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